Mommy Dearest - Closure

Mommy Dearest - Part One

Mommy Dearest - Part Two

Mommy Dearest - Part Three

Mommy Dearest - Part Four

Mommy Dearest - Part Five

Mommy Dearest - Part Six

Mommy Dearest - Part Seven


The last time my children saw my mother was in 2001. She was still living on the Island in the Province I grew up in and we had been living in another province for about a year.

We drove out to see her.
We made the effort.
We encouraged the kids to speak and play with her.

We continued to send yearly birthday packages and Christmas gifts, mainly for the sake of my brother. She never quite managed to send them to the kids on time, but the thought was there. She spoke to my daughter on the phone once in awhile, which my daughter hated. It was very awkward and when my mother would end the call with, "Love you!" it enraged me. It enraged me that she had the nerve to say something like that to my child, and then to me. She doesn't KNOW what love is. She doesn't KNOW what a real mother is. Or a grandmother.

During one of her conversations with my little girl she promised her that she was going to be her penpal. That she would send letters all the time and they could write back and forth with each other. We received one note in the birthday package. No explanations followed as to why she stopped writing. I guess it just didn't fit in with her schedule.

This continued ...up to about 2007. On Facebook I had befriended my Aunt (mother's sister) and all her dysfunctional daughters. As well as a couple of my uncles who, to be honest, are not the most law abiding healthy living people on the planet. It was a start though. I guess a chance to have some connection with the family. During one conversation with my mother's sister and her daughter I mentioned that I didn't want my mother having my email address. That I preferred to keep that private (she had been asking them for it). It's an open door into my life and it wasn't one that was going to be open for her.

I guess they turned around and told her that. But maybe added in some extra fairy-tale information?

Because on my daughter's 10th birthday while we were out having dinner at her favorite restaurant she called and left a very hateful message. She felt that I had no right to stand between her and her grandchildren. That she had rights as a grandparent and she was contacting her lawyer. All because I didn't want her to have my email? I quietly sent the kids upstairs and dialed her number. Praying she would answer. Then I left a little message of my own. My voice was quiet, and I was so angry I made the words clipped. Short. My mother-in-law stood by with her eyes wide, wondering what was going on.

I outlined that if she had wanted a relationship with her grandkids then perhaps she could pull her head out of her ass long enough to make the effort to come see them. I asked her how she thought she would ever win a custody or visitation hearing when I had witness' happy to testify to her abandoning me and leaving me to starve at the age of 15. I asked her how she thought it felt for my little girl when her grandmother promised to write her letters and never bothered to send any? Then I thanked her for leaving a message on her granddaughter's 10th birthday and oh, by the way did I mention I work for a LAW FIRM and I'll be consulting them in the morning?

I spoke with the lawyer and paralegal in the office and confirmed she has no legal rights to my children.

I told her she was not welcome to call my home again. After about 6 weeks the phone calls resumed.

Just before Christmas last year she called. In her message she told me that for the 'sake of the children' she hoped I could call her back and let her know what they wanted for Christmas. I guess she assumed that perhaps their worlds would shatter without a gift from an absentee member of the family?

I refused to return her call. She kept calling. Finally, I contacted my brother on Facebook:

"Can you let your Mom know that I talked to the kids and they would rather she surprise them if she is going to send them Christmas gifts....dunno why. They're weird.Hope you are well."

His response?

"Yay"

Yep. Yay. Turns out he was just as much of a soulless self-inflated moron as our mother. At that point I blocked every member of the family on Facebook. I'm not opening myself up to more of their manipulations and drama. I had been in tentative contact with my Grandparents (her parents) up until around that time as well. I assume she spoke with them and that is why all the communication ended. They are the reason she is the way she is, so I guess I'm not surprised. I just thought maybe for the sake of their great-grandchildren they would try.

Then I wrote a letter after I had cooled down...

November 19, 2008

I am writing this to help make some things clear for you. Please know this is not done with malicious intent. I think it’s just fair and it needs to be done.

You need to know you are more than welcome to visit the children at any time. Let us know via letter when you would like to do that, and as long as we are available we will make sure it happens. You can also send them cards/letters whenever you want.

We, as a family, do not want phone or email contact. I have spoken with the kids and asked them if they would like to write you a letter and tell you what they are interested in for Christmas. They both indicated that they didn’t want to and they would rather be surprised, so I leave that up to you.

I have not spoken with them in regards to why I do not have a relationship with you. I’ve told them that I simply don’t and that it has nothing to do with how they feel about you. That they need to make up their own minds. They are, however, not stupid. And they are at an age where they can judge for themselves how much involvement they want with people. I respect their choice and I hope you will do the same. They do not have any ill will or negative intentions, they simply don’t know you and don’t feel comfortable with speaking to people they don’t know on the phone. When they are older I will answer their questions more fully, but for the time I’ve left them to make up their own minds. They will determine how much of a relationship they have with you.

I have chosen for various reasons to have no further contact with you via phone/email. I do not feel the need to explain those reasons to you and I hope I don’t need to reiterate them to you now. I’m sure you have a pretty good idea as to what led to that choice. I have also extended that same choice to the rest of your family. This was a decision made with my husband and my children, as well as a choice made for my own mental health. It was not done out of malice, or spite. It is simply what I need to do in order to live a healthy and happy life.

I hope that you will respect these choices.

This letter will be CC’d to my solicitor’s office, as after your phone message received October 1, 2007 I was advised to make note of all communication received from or going to yourself.

I haven't heard from her since. She sent no birthday gifts, no Christmas gifts. Her immature reaction to my letter was to have nothing to do with the children at all. I'd like to say this chapter of my life is closed. But, given all that has passed I still feel like there is a giant hammer somewhere, waiting to fall.