Day Eight in the Land of Warmth.....Photos? We don't have no stinkin' photos!

You may have noticed a certain lack in the photo department from yesterday. This is largely due to the fact that it was girls night out.

Shopping in US outlet malls....it's like the cream to my creamsicle. We just don't have these things up in the land of snow. I was pretty well behaved. VERY well behaved in fact. We hit up Olive Garden after that. Henceforth known as the land of carbs. We got there after 9pm...didn't think too much of it. I think towards the end we did finally notice that we were the only people left in there. By then we were 2 Limoncello Lemonade Slushies down, and a bottle of red-wine well on it's way. One hour post closing we finally let the poor employees go home....and we went in search of slushies.

The intentions were good - we were going to supply the men-folk with sugary sustenance.....you know, in lieu of the other sustenance. The first stop we made had no slushy machine. They suck. The second stop we made had them. They shot out of the machine at mach 2 so it was a little challenging getting my limoncello-ed hands to hold the cup firmly enough to stop it from sailing across the store. Giggles ensued. Upon exiting this fine establishment, we got the "Hey, how yoooouuuu doin'?" from the 14 year old pushing drugs/smokes/? outside the store. We debated asking him where his Mommy was and informing him that all three ladies were over-qualified in the diaper changing department if he needed such assistance. We behaved....made it home. And the photos (park only, I have a strick no mixing rule when it comes to alca-ma-hol and my camera) are safe and sound on the camera.

Day Seven in the Land of Warmth......Ich aß so viel Essen ich bin dabei, krank zu sein.

Ich aß so viel Essen ich bin dabei, krank zu sein.

For those of you not blessed with Nazi ancestry...."I ate so much food I'm going to be sick." We hit the park at opening....got some sweet ass parking, and revelled in the fact that there were not a whole lot of people there. It was very tolerable crowd wise. Of course, there was the yokel family in the crap-van who had to race up the inside lanes and cut us off to get in line to pay for parking. You know, you wouldn't want to end up 2 spaces further back from Disney...oh wait...that's right...you DID end up 2 spaces further back. Keep up the inbreeding program, it gets us the better parking spots. Gimp-tards.

We hit "Soarin" first - it's the best ride there (I think)....got the fast-passes as well so we could go back in an hour for round two. We hit another kids attraction in between (with some Imagination Dragon thing? I dunno....not my thing) and then went back to Soarin. With all the getting in line stuff you end up doing it takes up alot of time. We walked through the World Pavilions and saw Japan - where I found Mon-Chi-Chi! I looooove Mon-Chi-Chi! I had one as a kid and loved the hair off that damn thing.

I didn't buy the full size version but did talk hubby into a key-chain. So freakin' cute! We had noon reservations for the German Buffet and after watching the giant-ass Cuckoo-Clock in action we mosied on in and sat down to a lunch of hugmongous proportions. Das ist GUUT food ya!

We hit the American pavilion...which was kind of boring. Then the Canadian one...we watched the new movie they put together which is MUCH better than the old one. Martin Short narrates and it's pretty entertaining....and we saw our respective office buildings which was neat - seeing our city on the complete opposite side of North America. On the way out we had a look at the hockey jerseys and hubby of course was complaining about the lack of our city's team jersey. I was thankfully browsing elsewhere so I only got the tail end of the 'man high-fiving session' with the guy working there from the same city. Yeah, our team got kicked out of the playoffs round one and are now golfing in California, but hey! There's always next year! *Barf*

The sun was out (which, don't get me wrong is 'spank-my-monkey fantabulous') but sun on my already swollen sausage legs doesn't do a body good. The Ellen-Dinosaur ride thingy was closed yesterday so we thought we'd pop in and take son in since that's along his happy lines. Well, it went swimmingly. We got through the intro video, then the next intro video once we were in the ride seats, then around the corner to some dinosaurs. Then we stopped. And didn't go. And then we were told we would be escorted out of the ride area shortly and to please stay in our seats. Well, everyone was pretty quiet...watching the dinosaurs fighting, eating, etc. Then after about 5 minutes the cameras came out. And 15 minutes in people were getting itchingly close to swinging from the plastic vines. Finally....they emerged. The hidden Disney people we are not supposed to see. They took the people in wheelchairs first, then came back for us mobile folk. It was weird walking through a staged area...and out a secret Disney door into a secret Disney tunnel, leading to a secret Disney outside door. I've got some interesting photos I'll have to put up later. Mostly of hubby molesting plastic dinosaurs. Well, what did you think would happen if you let the public loose in there? Good things?

We were in search of a blue raspberry slushy after that. Nothing could be found on park grounds so we hit the first 7-Eleven we came to. And as luck would have it we found just the right kind...frothy, bubbly, smoooooth slushy. And it cost less than $16.95 for 4 of them! I'm starting to get the feeling that Disney is forking us over royally over there. Just a tiny little inkling at the back of my brain......

Day Six in the Land of Warmth.....Lobster Girl Says What?

Big-Badda-Boom!

Golf Balls at Night.....Golf Balls with Stuff Inside!

At the Norway Pavillion.....Yarp!

So, it would seem that forgetting to put sunscreen on your legs at the beach is....searching for the right word......stupid. Very, very stupid. My legs have swollen so much that it feels like the skin is about to split open. That's not overly comforting. The minor state of shock I went into wasn't overly comforting either....I don't expect to get such severe chills that I brush my nose instead of my teeth while in Florida. Yet, I managed to produce this effect.


I knew yesterday would be a long one when I stood up to go to the bathroom in the morning and made it as far as the hallway....and stood there. For a long time. I couldn't step forward or back without dying. I had no idea nerve endings could burn.


We did eventually make it out in the afternoon to Epcot which is my favorite Disney park. We didn't get a whole lot done (you try with 7 kids in tow!) but we had fun! There was some rain - but that just seemed to thin out the crowd which is A-OK with me. Their wind and rain here is like a warm shower. Back home that would have been a blizzard. Stupid back home.


This morning I'm up early, ready to go! We are going to hit Epcot at opening (not sure yet if the friends are coming along....seeing as they actually have brain cells and take the time to sleep in when needed, I think we may have to catch up with them later) and hopefully some German food for lunch. Mmmmm.

Day Five in the Land of Warmth.....ohhh, the layvin!

We went to Cocoa Beach today. The inevitable happened. My British skin turned into baked raw, red, painful burnage. So much pain. So little relief. I'm about to go take a hot shower, spray myself with aloe, and take pills. Many pills.

Not much to report. It was a beach. It was hot. It was wet. It was sandy. Lifeguards are assholes. There was a poor Jellyfish on the shore...a pretty blue one. Apparently that's not a good thing. Anyway, I was about to throw it in a bucket and put him back in the ocean. You know...good Karma creation. The lifeguard came Baywatching over and "rescued" us all from the dangerous blue blob. And killed it. Just not cool.

Day Four in the Land of Warmth......Did you know session.

Did you know that four hours in a pool softens up children's feet to the point that when they walk on the pool deck their skin comes off? And they proceed to bleed on the pool deck, the deck chairs, the tile floor, the carpet, the walls......clothes. Every.....single.....toe. They love it when you bleed on carpets at rental houses.

Did you know it takes three children 2.45 minutes to finish off a large frozen lemonade. Leaving approximately nothing for any adult within a 1 foot radius.

Did you know that the World Cheerleading Championships are being held at Hollywood Studios. Today. And that's where we were. Leading into....did you know that 2000 cheerleaders in one park is slightly annoying? And by slightly I mean hang me from the closest mouse-shaped lamp-post.

Did you know that 250lb girls like to wear cheerleading outfits too. The junk was most definitely out of the trunk.

It was a pretty good day overall. They've Named Me Momma stood in for me and took hubby on the rides of death (Tower of Terror, and Rockin' Roller Coaster) while I stayed with the kids. When 5 kids seems like a safe, comfortable, and relaxing alternative to taking a 2 minute ride, you can accurately gauge my terror level. Not even rum would have softened that blow.

Tomorrow we are off to Cocoa Beach to do a little shark fishing. I've heard if you coat the youngest child in fish guts you can lure them pretty close to shore. The sunshine continues, I've turned an even darker shade of pinkish red which is uber sexy. The fact that they are still getting snow back home is sickening. If I didn't have a cat waiting for us at home you can bet your ass-ets I'd be looking for a cash-only job somewhere and living on the beach.

Day Three in the Land of Warmth - 50% Recidivism

Remember back when I said my kids were so good, that they didn't throw a fit or whine for anything? We've experienced a failure....half the equation lost some marbles and walked out of Animal Kingdom today with nothing in hand. Because Mom is a hard ass. I like to call the photo above, "Guess what I'm thinking right now?".

We were at the park at opening, which was crowded already. We don't do well in crowds. The park was pretty, but it felt much more closed in compared to the other ones. If we didn't have the passes I would have been kind of mad we spent the money to get in there. As it was, we got to see some animals (that our zoo shockingly has as well), and go on some rides. I sat out the spinny roller-coaster type ride quite happily. Daughter and I were going to sit out when hubby and son headed towards the giant mountain roller coaster thing. I think it's called the "if it doesn't kill you it's a miracle". The line-up was a couple hours long though and by that time we'd pretty much had enough. The grounds were very pretty - lush. I think the Asia area was our favorite by far. The Kali River Rapids ride was a blast. Thank goodness we saved it for near the end of the day seeing as it soaked us. Completely. Good fun though.

We left the park, missed our exit, and befouled a little Disney grass doing a mostly legal u-turn. Home for a dinner of Hamburgers. Which one should not cook in a tank top. They were bacon cheeseburgers...did I mention that? Dinner just isn't dinner without a few pain-inspired naughty words thrown in.

The kids have been in the pool for about 4 hours now. If they aren't asleep within 10 minutes of their heads hitting the pillow I'm officially calling the Smithsonian to ask about their "weird creatures in nature" program. They've Named Me Momma was going to join us for some drinks and pool time - but she was held captive by some tiny natives. We'll catch up with her tomorrow at MGM (which is now Hollywood Studios something-or-other...YES I KNOW hubby, stop correcting me! I LIKE to call things by their wrong names. That's why I call you Frank.) where I'm expecting a full revolt in the souvenir battle at the end of the day.

Day Two in the Land of Warmth...Hubby Tries to Kill Family

This morning I woke up (to the most unholy alarm clock I've ever heard in my life) at 5:30am. Why so early on vacation? Well, homework. In order for me to get ready, try to tame the wild beast that my hair has become in this foreign thing called humidity, get the kids up, feed the kids, and get homework done, this is what time I calculated I had to rise. No shine. But rise. Turns out I was right on the nose. We left the house right around 8am for Universal Studios.

We got there at opening and our first ride was Shrek 4D. That was pretty cool - I'd have to say one of my favorites.

And then we went to the Mummy. I am going to give hubby the benefit of the doubt here. I am going to assume he didn't KNOW this was the most horrific ride made. That I've been on. To date. We were entering the final door (after the maze they make you walk through) when I found out it was a roller coaster. I don't DO roller coasters. Mainly because I find them terrifying, and not at all (not even a LITTLE bit) fun. Also because I have high blood pressure and prefer not to stroke out mid-ride. Picky, I know. So, this is the scariest ride...about equal with Space Mountain. At least Space Mountain has the decency to not go backwards. This one went backwards, forwards, up, down, through fire. Poor daughter lost her shit. She was screaming...not happy screams. Terror. Pure terror. She managed to scream out "I want to go hooooooooome!" and the rest was just screams. Son was screaming as well....hubby (in his wisdom) told him to keep his eyes shut. Son's response? "I ALREADY AM!". I think he said "asshole" in his brain. I know I did. We have a photo as proof. All three of us have our eyes closed. 3/4 of the people in the cart had their eyes closed. Horrific.

The kids were a little scarred after that. Not quite so willing to follow us into the next ride. We went through all the main ones. By the time we hit Jimmy Neutron in the Nickelodeon area our tummy's were about done. They needed some food to settle them down. We ate at a neat 50's diner and for only $40 we managed to all have lunch. Practically a bargain. The marketing there....not quite up to Disney standards but pretty darn close.

In the afternoon we headed over to Mecca for hubby. Simpsons Land. It's like his own country - he speaks their mojo. He IS their kind of people. We had squishies, and took them into the HOUR (no, not a typo. I stood in line for 65 minutes to go on this ride for hubby) long lineup to enjoy. A man designed this area. No doubt about it. You see, after snaking around for turn after turn, you head up a ramp. A ramp with bars on it. A ramp that every little trampire wearing a short skirt gives a free peep show on. It took the guys in line about 36 seconds to figure this out. Unfortunately the girl in a short skirt up there when hubby was in that general area was about 300 lbs. She had red underwear. He's still recovering....and I'm thanking Karma for keeping up her bitchiness. Anyway, turns out this is the ONE day they are testing the ride for the general public. We got to ride before it is even officially open. Lucky us! It wasn't a roller coaster. So I didn't hate it. It's very similar to Shrek actually.




After I dragged hubby away from his own personal heaven on earth, we hit the animal show, Men in Black (daughter and I sat this one out as it had similar warnings as The Mummy....we had the roller-coaster heebie-jeebies), and Jaws. The kids loved Jaws. It was a long day, but a good one. The kids were exceptional. I had to turn them over and check their labels a few times to make sure they were in fact my kids. They knew they had their $10 to spend from Grandma, and they stuck to it. Didn't ask for anything else.


After explaining to the people at the rental house office that we DID in fact pay for spa heat for the fifth time, it would seem they came to fix it in our absence. That was nice. A hot hot-tub is always so much more enjoyable than a cold hot-tub. The kids are tucked in, hubby is on the X-Box, and I'm off for a shower. I MUST attempt to get this hair under control. I'm also 1/3 way through East of Eden and enjoying being able to sit down and read a book. Not buy a book, and put it in the "leaning tower of books I'm going to read some day when I can finally scrounge a moment".

Photos....Day One in the Land of Warmth

Did you know cushions can get icicles?



Rumor has it, there are front steps out there somewhere. I just love winter...oh no wait...it's April. That's right. This is fall, winter AND spring. Aren't we lucky?




No, they weren't at all wound up and climbing the walls during the layover in Toronto. They were climbing windows.

Sunshine. Can you believe it? Small property dispute can't even erase the joy of not swimming in a snow bank.

Yes, I think they look McSpecial as well.

1 a.m. Parenting at It's Best

I would just like to say this one more time. I hate the airline we flew with. They were nice, efficient, and didn't suck in most ways. However, sitting there waiting for our flight to a city that is NOWHERE near Florida to catch another plane, and hearing that their competitor (who incidentally is generally our first choice in airlines) is now boarding their DIRECT flight to Orlando....well, let's just say that creates a bit of a jaded rum-drinker.

Our flights were uneventful. It was snowing again as we left.....making me giggle at all the poor suckers arriving. Their faces as they stepped off the planes and looked out the big windows at what kind of world they were entering...priceless. I felt pretty relaxed....till the captain announced that the little machine at the back of the plane responsible for pressurizing the cabin was not working (he put it in technical terms - but that's what it came down to) but not to worry, they were going to cross-hatch the gizmo-nator and get it going on our way out of there. So, to me....fixing airplanes while taking off or in mid-air doesn't seem to be the best idea. You know....I guess I'm being picky, but I kind of like my plane to be fully functional before I ascend to 36,000 feet. Oh, and they were de-icing planes (because I live in HELL where you have to do that in April) and for some reason they skipped our plane. Reassuring no?

For all the annoyances and gut-wrenching terror, they had a really cool entertainment system on board. Everyone had their own TV and there were tons of movies, TV shows, etc to choose from. I got to see a chick-flick uninterrupted by a whining hubby or annoying kids. Well, I still had one annoying kid beside me, but she had cartoons so the interruptions were kept to a minimum. Our connection went pretty well. Our bags were there. US customs didn't require a colonoscopy to let us board....pretty easy breezy. The only little note of interest was that apparently if you are carrying an XBox 360' in your carry-on you are either a) about to blow the plane sky-high or b) smuggling drugs. They tested that bag and it's contents at every security point. Our second flight was much like the first...except this plane was seemingly in good working order. I watched some TV this time around. A little HBO comedy, a little of this, a little of that. Then I turned on Sex and the City. The uncensored version apparently. Let me warn all you unknowing travellers....this one has the swearing and nudity. All of it...none of this edited for TV crap. I'm talking 2 degrees shy of pornography here. It wasn't at all embarrassing for me to have to cover daughter's head repeatedly while Samantha "rode her cowboy". Good grief.

We landed at 11:30pm in the land where snow is not. And where green is. I sent hubby to the rental car counter by himself. Mistake. Poor guy gets screwed every time. We ended up with the insurance....he thought we had to have it. Nope. So there's an additional couple hundred dollars. Sigh. And they "upgraded" us to a minivan. Upgrade? I kind of wanted the car. You know, the vehicle that doesn't cost a kidney to fill? Whatever....at least all our bags fit. We navigated the roads like champs - easy as hell to get around here. On the last leg of our journey to the rental house we came across an unusual site. An open McDonald's. Did you people know they keep them open 24 hours down here? We can barely get a burger on a Sunday in our city! So, we did a couple of mostly legal u-turns and took our kids through the McDonald's drive-through at 1am local time. We is GOOOOD parents. The rental house was easy to find as well. Crazy. I expected more hiccups.

I am currently writing this waiting for hubby to get his ass in gear. We need to go get food for the house, and explore a little. Take in some vitamin D. I can't figure out the wireless (go figure....) so this is currently in draft form, along with all it's charming spelling mistakes and grammatical heresy. Blogger, bless your little heart for having that spell-check device.

This afternoon....

Via Tele-ma-phone

Me: "Hey, I can't check in online because you can online check in 24 hours prior to your last connecting flight's departure time. How retarded is that?"

Hubby: "Well, we can just do it at the airport in the morning I guess."

Me: "What if they give away our seats? It's Scare(Air)-Canada...they do that."

Hubby: "They won't. I'll raise such a fuss. Kicking and screaming. We'll either get on that plane or kicked out of the airport."

Me: Laughing...."Sounds like a great plan...."

Hubby: "I'm going to get tasered!"

I hate travelling with this airline. I also hate having my direct flight changed to a lay-over flight arriving 6 hours AFTER the time I wanted to be there. The end result of our conversation (other than me laughing my ass off at the idea of a cop being tasered in the airport) was that we'll check in tonight and just not print off the passes. Because we are too damn cheap/lazy to buy more ink for our printer.

The printer ink aisle scares me. I imagine it's something similar to how hubby feels in the feminine hygiene aisle. I saw this great postcard at Post Secret on Sunday. I have a new mission in life.

Hubby's response to the article on a shark attack I forwarded this morning (see last post):

"This is why I need to bring a knife with me. I shall be the 'Shark Hunter'!"

....and the chances of that excuse flying with security at the airport? Anyone? Anyone?

Preparations and Prescriptions

Giving your children haircuts can go one of two ways. Either horrifically bad, or slightly less than horrifically bad.


I voted (just for the record, you know...this will come up in the trial) to just shave son's head in preparation for Florida. Being son, he objected loudly. He likes his hair long, and heaven help the person who tries to tell him short is 'OK' as well. Hubby objected as well - though I think it has more to do with the fact son has an odd shaped head. So I pulled out the clippers...and didn't do too bad of a job at the back where it's short. A couple....iffy...spots. But nothing that won't be hard to see in a week or two. Then hubby pulled out the scissors and went to work. I'd like to take a moment to point out that he has a) never cut hair before that I am aware of, with scissors at any rate, and b) he has no idea how to cut hair with anything other than a #3 blade. So, after realizing that hubby was giving son this haircut...

I took over and managed to blend it a bit better - and kill the sideburns. I don't like sideburns.

Then it was daughter's turn. She's wanted her hair short for a long time so I thought for the trip I'd let her have her way. She indicated she wanted it to her shoulders and I managed that quite well. Then I asked her if she wanted bangs. And here's the resulting conversation about 15 minutes later...

Daughter: "I look like a freak! My friends are going to laugh at me!"
Me: "No you don't. And if they laugh they aren't your friends."
Daughter: "It looks weird!"
Me: "Well, it would have looked less weird if you hadn't jumped like I was about to stab you on that side and made it uneven. I could have left them longer if you hadn't jumped."

It also snowed for 3 days straight. And stuck. This officially sucks ass. My airplane out of here had BETTER NOT be delayed of cancelled tomorrow. It's the only thing that's keeping this particular crazy from going postal crazy. I left a message for daughter's teacher today. It went like this, "Hi! It's A***'s Mom here. I just wanted to let you know that A*** will be out of school and I guess we forgot *cough cough* to send a note to school with her about that. Blah, blah, blah". I am also sending hubby into son's school to discuss homework with his teacher. Oh yeah, and to let him know we're leaving. See, see how I managed to avoid all the uncomfortable judgemental conversations. If only that was a marketable talent. It's shaping up to be not too bad of a last day in the office. Paralegal is not in. Hopefully lawyer doesn't come in (haha, yeah right. I see no flying pigs in my sky) or at least is too afraid of making me cry again to venture out of his office.

They've Named Me Momma has informed me that the sharks are feeling a might peckish out her way. Now, I mentioned this to hubby a week or two ago and his response was, "Oh, they don't come close to shore. That's the people who are out surfing etc.". This last attack was in knee deep water. I'm assuming it wasn't a great white or anything like that....it would have to beach itself and then you'd have to walk up to it, make sure it's still alive, and stick your leg in it's mouth. Maybe rub some tuna on your legs. Still....we can't afford a US hospital stay. The kids may be confined to ankle deep water and sand.

My sinus infection is still lingering. Yes, it's been over a month. Yes, I went back to the doctor. And no, I wasn't given any more anti-biotics. I had some head pain last night. But overall I'm pretty much back in fighting condition. Hence the reason why I put socks with grippies on last night. Hubby didn't stand a chance on the hardwood. Unfortunately the sight of her 'daddy' sliding across the floor in a very un-natural way made the cat a little upset...she ran into a wall, then scooted across the floor with her tail puffed up to about 10 times it's normal size. Inbreeding at it's best.

Miscellany

And Mother Nature says, "What? You thought that spring thing was actually going to happen? Haha, every time. You know, you really are a gullible species."

"What in the name of HOLY HELL is wrong with you? Why didn't you tell me this shit is cold. Fuck...now my paws are wet. That's just great. I'm going to throw up on your suitcase tonight...just so you know."

"No, I'll tell you what. You let me go now and I won't kill you. That's what."

For those wondering why we harbour the spawn of Satan in our home....this is what she came like. Who knew such evil was wrapped up into such a cute package. Kind of explains the kids too......

Putting the "Normal" Back in "Abnormal"

I will not speak of the skanky-drug doing-whale-whore today. No, today is dedicated to the boy.

I came home from work yesterday not feeling too bad. I didn't want to kill more than one person...which I guess is about as close as back to normal as I can get. The kids were in the backyard, Grandma was upstairs cleaning their rooms (and you wonder why I keep her!), and the cat was being cute. I walked over to the window to make sure we didn't have too many other children in the yard.....and what do I see? Son whipping it out and peeing in a corner. Ugh. He gets yanked inside and put on time out until dinner. Grandma didn't see too much wrong with it. Excuse me what? You CAN'T PEE IN PUBLIC! It's not acceptable!

Is this something that guys actually do on a regular basis? Because I know other than the drunk women living downtown, this doesn't happen among women. Sure, sure....perhaps once or twice in a state of teenage drunkenness people sneak off behind a tree....there is only so much liquid the body can hold. But certainly not a common sight. We have 3 toilets in our house. All in perfect working condition. It would be like standing beside the shower and dumping buckets of water on yourself. Why would you not use it?

Daughter got her report card yesterday. She is happy that's she's allowed to go to Florida with us now. She doesn't know that it was an empty threat....and thank-goodness I didn't have to reveal that to her. She went up in all the problem areas. And not surprisingly, given the genetics, went down in 2 whole new areas. Science and PE. How do you go down in PE? Did you run less? Did you....not know how to....serve a birdie? Dribble a ball? Her response to my frustration over science (and it was a 15% or 16% drop...not sure a little bit here) was "Giggle....it's funny because it's actually my favorite subject....giggle.".....not funny. I know for a fact there have been tests that she's "forgotten" the notes for to study with. Well, no longer. Math and science will be a daily routine now....oh goody. This will improve my moods. She informed me she has a Science test Tuesday...I told her to make sure she brings home her notes on Monday...."But Mom, we leave Tuesday!"....right. That will do wonders for her marks...missing another test. Great.

Hubby is going to be among the walking dead today. He got home at 5am this morning. He started work at 1pm yesterday. And he has to be up at 7:30 to take the boy to school. Multiply that by the fact he has daughter home all day, has to take the truck in for it's service appointment, has to move the motor-home for street cleaning.....betcha he's in a great mood when I get home. Which is why I'm stopping at a couple places on the way. I'm going to be in charge of decorations for our friend's daughter's birthday in Florida....my kids are older and therefore officially suck in this department - no more cute parties.....I get to shop for princess and purple things. It's kind of sad how excited that makes me.

I spent last night (after the kids were in bed not sleeping) cleaning all our crocs and sandals for the trip. It's laundry and packing all weekend....fun times.

Ready to say "Fark It"

Cheated!

I feel so damned cheated. Which is retarded.

The allergy tests revealed that apparently I have no allergies. The throat-closing incident while eating prawns was either the psychotic in me making an early appearance, a temporary allergy caused by pregnancy, or bad fish. I can eat shellfish. I'm so glad it only took 10.5 years of carefully avoiding any sort of creature that comes from the ocean (other than tuna) to figure that out. Shouldn't I have tested positive on at least one of the 64 little dots? Good grief.

And it wasn't me mis-hearing the receptionist. His name really was Dr. Doctor. Spelled exactly that way - not even the token "k" I gave him in the last post. Who does that? "Hmmm, my last name is doctor....that must mean I should become a doctor. OK, will do."

The excitement is starting to build in our house. In 7 sleeps we will be in Florida - where they don't get snow/rain/hail/thunder/lightening/more snow all in one afternoon. That land of milk and honey. The land where you can step outside without fear of losing a toe in December. Hubby went and took care of the "man" gifts all on his own yesterday. This means he conceived of an idea, went out and actually did it, and had absolutely no help from me. He did injure himself in the process, because let's face it....such a task is highly challenging for him. But I have to say I'm impressed. And pissed. He's one step ahead of me in that department. Sure, sure....I have a couple things gathered for the girls, but not the main thing I wanted to get. Sigh. That will have to wait until the weekend.

I have to break it to the teacher's soon that the kids won't be in school for another couple weeks. I've been putting that off. It's going to look SO responsible. And it just so happens that we will be missing the parent-teacher conferences. Again. I'm sending Grandma though....we want to appear to be good parents.

I finally got a call back on son's issue with the new school. The director passed along the information to the principal of his current school. She was nice, but about as helpful as a one armed juggler. I have to petition (ie. beg my ass off) other schools in the area to take him. So I have a phone call in with the principal of the school his friends are filtering into and we shall see if I hear back. I'll give him until tomorrow. Luckily I'm not above threatening legal action if they don't place him somewhere else - the paralegal suggested it. I know the lawyer would jump on that train as well - sometimes it's good to work for a law firm. And other times.....

Just for fun here's the front cover of the paper today. There's that crunching I was talking about in the last post. Notice how our guy is sitting on their guy's head? Now that's what I like about hockey.

"And then bubbles floated out of his nose....and unicorns danced in the street...."

I'm admittedly not a huge fan of sports. They are...well....boring for the most part. Hockey I will watch - but not the whole season. I can read the scores of the home-team in the paper without subjecting myself to such torture. I can also cross one eye while keeping the other straight but that doesn't really apply to this post.

I do watch the play-offs. Kind-of. Mostly because they seem to get much more "hitty" in during their 7 game series and I enjoy the sound that crunching men make on the boards of the arena. What can I say? Little things amuse me.

Last night boggled my mind. And I've been off the "good" pills for a few days now so "boggling" shouldn't be so easy. 4 minutes into the game....in a city where they take this whole thing very seriously (it is an excuse to drink after all).....we were down by 3. That's a special talent....screwing up that bad in the first 4 minutes. I decided after we managed one goal that according to the announcer put them "Back in the game folks!" that I would go upstairs and devote my time to much more worthwhile causes. Such as soaking in a bathtub for an hour. And sleeping....sleeping is good. Plus, I felt really bad for the goalie after he got pulled from the game. He looked so sad (after he threw his stick in rage). I just wanted to bring him a glass of warm milk and a blankie. Poor guy.

Hubby came to bed a couple of hours later and when I asked how bad it was in the end he comes up with, "We won!". To which I laughed, slapped him and demanded to know the truth. "No, no really. 4-3.". I asked him how such a thing was possible. I am pretty sure coming back from a 3-0 score is considered unlikely in the sporting world. It would seem that we had a puck bounce off a shin-pad right into the net. And the other team apparently scored on themselves as well....or at least assisted in the goal.

I would also like to take a moment to point out that the "play-off" beard is among the stupidest trends in the modern world. These guys aren't generally pretty to begin with....and if they start out pretty they don't end up pretty (there are a few exceptions of course....there are also goats born with 2 heads but you don't see those every day do you....). This phenomenon does NOT help them any. In fact, I would go a step further and say that this may even increase their wind resistance, therefore slowing them down. Just something to ponder.....

Today I am finally off to see Dr. Doktor (again, insert "most likely to have earned their degree in Mexico"award here) for my allergy testing. We shall see once and for all if having your throat close while eating shell-fish does in fact mean you are allergic to it.

Conversations from Rum-Ville....

Daughter (to son): "I should challenge you to mortal combat."

Son: "Whatever....."

Daughter: "Do you even know what mortal means?"

Son: "Yeah, it means you're ugly!"

Daughter: *Sputter* - looking to adults for sibling-punishment.....

Parents: Laughing so hard mashed potatoes are now lodged in nasal cavities.

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Daughter: "T******, aren't you going to eat your roots?"

Me: "They are called bean sprouts."

Son: "Yeah A***, they are called bean sprouts."

Daughter: "I like to call them roots. They look like roots. T******, are you going to eat them?"

Me: "They are called BEAN SPROUTS. If you call them roots you'll get funny looks, because that's not what they are called."

Daughter: "I like calling them roots."

Son: "A***, you are so weird."

Me: "BEAN SPROUTS!!! BEAN SPROUTS!!!"

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Son to Hubby: "Look Dad, there's a Jeep for sale over there. And a jump-o-line too."

Hubby: "Jump-o-line?"

Me: "He means trampoline..."

Hubby: "His word makes more sense."
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Hubby: "We are the Simpsons."

Me: Silence and denial.

Daughter: "Yeah, T****** is like Bart, and Dad is like Homer. Dad IS Homer. But Mom doesn't have Marge hair."

Hubby: "Yeah, we're like them....except she's not brainy."

Daughter: "Hey!"

And the therapy bills continue to rise.

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While sitting down in a Vietnamese restaurant on Saturday....

Son: "Mom, can we go to that Chinese food place? The one by the theatre. They have Jello."

Me: "No, that food isn't healthy. And I can make you Jello at home."

Son: "I like this Chinese food Mom! It's good!"

Daughter: "It's Viet-ma-neese, T******"

Me: "Shhhhhh!" - turning red.

Hubby (channelling Forrest Gump): "It's this whole other country."

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Breaking Point - Oh yeah, we're there.

I came home (as in walked in the door and 2 seconds later....) through a blizzard last night to son's sweet little face looking at me earnestly and asking if we could go to the school family dance. Well, no dear son. You see when the notice and the ticket order form came home you declared that you wanted nothing to do with it. You declared this vehemently, and repeatedly. You also said you don't like to dance. That you wouldn't dance. Therefore, being and idiot, I didn't buy you tickets.

There was crying, foot stomping, 2 time outs...don't even get me started on the boy. Let's just say at one point hand met bottom and trust me, it wasn't hubby's hand or my bottom. He came down from purgatory (aka his room) and apologized for acting that way.....then bounded off happy as a clam while I sat on the floor rocking back and forth with my head spinning. Motherhood rocks.

I've debated writing about this next issue. It's son's issue and not really something I think he'd want out there (I'm thinking later down the line of course....) so details will be vague. He was in a school in the "hood" for 1/2 of Kindergarten and 1/2 of grade one. We don't live in the "hood" but because we are a newly developed community there is no school. Whatever...we were willing to give it a go. He was removed from that school, and spent months with a child psychologist after that point. Needless to say and without going into detail, not a fan of it. We got a notice last night from his current school (that only goes up to his grade right now - 3) that he will have to go back to the school from HELL next year. NOT impressed. Not even willing to consider it at this point. I have a somewhat emotional and dramatic message in to the director - I'm expecting either a call back or men in white suits with a really cool jacket today.

I made it through the whole day yesterday without popping any pills. I consider that pretty freaking remarkable given that it appears I'm going to be sick forever. The head pain gets worse at night for some reason. Maybe I'm just less busy and notice it more. I held off till 10pm then took a couple of Tylenol 3's. By 10:30 sweet oblivion started kicking in and I got a pretty good sleep. And then I woke up. Nauseated. I don't do well with that. Spent most of the morning on the couch. Rather than having to remind daughter that she needs to lift the spoon with cereal on it, put it in her mouth, and actually chew and swallow, I pulled out the kitchen timer and told her I want her bowl empty by the time it's done. Then I laid on the couch, with chills waiting to die. I guess the pills are great for pain relief and sleep, not so much for tummy issues. I took a couple muscle relaxants this morning and I'm munching on dry Cheerios at my desk right now. Seems to be OK, I think I'll get over it. And that timer is going to be visiting again on Monday morning. Way easier.

Oh, and daughter is officially fraction impaired. 2 hours to complete her homework last night. Sweet Lord above, does she REALLY need to know this crap? I can guarantee you she won't be doing anything with this crap in it when she's grown up. Math should be optional. Or tutors free. I'm not a picky person, I'll take either at this point.

" So then the head says to the brain......"

Last night didn't go so well. That trend of slowly getting better took a nose dive off 'delusion-ville' and then my head exploded. True story. The pain kept me up till after midnight, until I finally caved and did the unthinkable. Took an Ibuprofen on TOP of the muscle relaxants and Tylenol PM. That would be mixing Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen folks....see ya liver! Been good knowing you. That finally did the trick. I'm getting pretty concerned....I either have a aneurysm about to pop in my temple, or I have a sinus infection. Either way I have no time to get to the doctor's this week.

Son brought home math last night. It was horrific. We spent 5 minutes going back and forth about the chances of 2x3 being 6000. It ended in crying and threats....and of course by the end of the hour long session of ONE WHOLE PAGE of math he was chipper and having a great time. I on the other hand needed pills and a stiff drink to get me over it.

Did I mention there is a blizzard outside today? I love it when mother-nature gives this city a giant kick in the crotch. I made it into work. Here's hoping the clients don't. I could use a nice quiet calm day. Actually I could use a snow day but there isn't much chance of that happening unless both lawyers don't show up. And they never don't show up. I think they actually enjoy this gig. Here is a real live action shot from the driver's seat this morning. Notice how we are all moving along nicely...not stopped for hours at a time....oh wait....that's right....nobody could make it up the freaking exit ramps in their Japanese Schmeep-Schmeep cars.

A Pill Worth Swallowing

So I'm able to get by without the pain-killer at night now. I still have to down some muscle relaxants but it's definitely getting better. I was able to take a sleeping pill, and actually sleep for almost a whole night last night. It was wonderful. Helps that hubby was working evening shift...I had a perfectly reasonable explanation ready for why he was going to be sleeping on the couch that night. Luckily I didn't have to use it as I was 95% unconscious when he crawled into bed.

I started packing for Florida last night as well. Yes it's 2 weeks away but that's what I do. Daughter has enough clothes (again, England trip is repeating in my brain) to last about 3 weeks. This time around I only over-shopped a little. I forgot we had hit a few sales at the Disney Store and there are going to be some fights over the fact we all have matching clothes. I am guessing that hubby will put up the most protest. Luckily, I have weapons. I am not above clubbing someone in the name of fashion. Anyway, the tote I had been stuffing things into was much more stuffed than I thought.

Tonight will be son's turn - he'll be easier. Boys don't have alot of variety in their wardrobe....shirt and shorts, t-shirt and shorts, tank-top and shorts, or swimming trunks.

I also had a very strange message on the phone last night. Apparently I have a doctor's appointment next week. With Dr. Doctor. I shit you not. From what I can recall, about 6-7 months ago I mentioned to my doctor (I think this was during the "your blood pressure is at stroke level" fiasco) that I am pretty sure I'm allergic to shell-fish. Seeing as my throat closes up when I eat them. He recommended we find out for sure and said they'd get me a referral to an allergist. I'm pretty sure that's what it is. Or maybe I'm finally getting committed. Oh, one could hope. That would be heavenly - a bed to myself, fun pills, and interesting people to talk to. I could go for that. I am going to sound like an idiot when I call back and ask them who I'm seeing, why I'm seeing them, and when my appointment is. Maybe they can refer me to a mental hospital.

Here's a helpful little hint I learned this morning. If you are going to open a can of salmon (and I don't know why you'd want to....I had to spend 15 minutes picking skin and bones out of it. I don't do skin and bones) be prepared to have a cat sitting on you. In front of you. In your food. In the sink looking for goodies. She went psychotic.

A Man's Guide to Suicide: Part 2

Man: "Snnnxxxxxx! .... Pffffffffff."


Woman: "Sigh."


Man: "Snnnxxxxx! .... Pfffffff."


Woman: "SIGH!"


Man: "Snnnxxxxx! .... Pffffffff."


Woman: "Are you freaking kidding me?!"



Times 8 hours. Result? See below.

A Man's Guide to Suicide: Part 1

Man (who may or may not be hubby): "I have to book some campsites! For May - all the good ones will be gone by now."

Woman (who may or may not be drinking RUM): "May? When are we camping in May?"

Man: "When we get back from Florida."

Woman: "Huh? We can't go on the long weekend. We are loaning the motorhome to K*** and B***** that weekend."

Man: "No, the weekend after that."

Woman: "That's our anniversary."

Man: "Yeah, we'll go camping for our anniversary."

Woman: "Oh, I didn't know they had nice restaurants and King size beds in the woods now. That's wonderful."

Man slowly backs away from woman. In silence.

I have a feeling this is going to be a multi-chapter addition to the site.

Things that are pissing me off today. Already.

Floor "Seats"

What does the term floor "seats" mean to you? See, to me it meant that the tickets I bought were for....seats. Not so much. They were for a sweaty space on the floor of the Juno's.

Fair enough. It wasn't a bad show and after suffering through Avril Lavigne's performance things went well. Thank-God my pockets were big enough to hold my shoes. Those were off minute 5 of the evening. I have come to the conclusion that I should not be allowed in crowds. I have absolutely ZERO tolerance for the twit-sticks who think it's OK to shove in front of people. I angled the heels of my shoes out from my pockets to strategically stab them. Resourceful is my middle name.

Back to reality and the office tomorrow. Paralegal is back from her surgery. I'm very much hoping receptionist is also back from her surgery. I refuse to sit up there again...people expect you to talk to them. And....to help them. Not what I'm about.

It took over 8 years.....

Well, I guess I should count my blessings that it took the boy over 8 years before he broke a window. Yesterday he was apparently "ordered" by a 7 year old boy from down the street to throw a boomerang at our garage window. Now I ask you, who the crap gives a 7 year old boy a boomerang and expects "good" things to come from that? It's not like we have errant kangaroos, or rabid koalas in this area. Ugh. When we get back from Florida we'll have to get that fixed. Luckily it was only the first layer of the glass and didn't go all the way through. Son spent a good amount of time in his room last night thinking about responsibility. That's what I'm telling myself. No doubt he was actually thinking about how cool boomerangs are and what a neat sound breaking glass makes.

This weekend has been better than the last...oh.....billion of them. Friday night was a bit rough. Those little labels they put on pill bottles are good for something I found out. The extra strength Motrin I've been medicating myself with gave me some issues. I had heart palpitations, and trouble with breathing etc. on Friday night. I went downstairs to sleep on the couch and the evil spawn of hades (ie. the cat) decided it was playtime. For hours. Marbles rolling, shoes being attacked, general stupidity from her. I was not happy. Finally I wandered my way back to bed and got a few hours rest. Then in the morning I read the pill bottle. Maximum of 3 tablets per day. Sooooo, 9 is bad. Lesson learned. The combination of muscle relaxants and Motrin I'm on now seems to be helping. I was still up in the middle of the night to take more when the pain got to be too much....but I am definitely counting myself among the living again.

Yesterday we made it out to a new Vietnamese restaurant for lunch which was a treat. Not a medical facility...how exciting! And grocery shopping...it was a bit painful but still, I managed and it was "out". Grandma is taking the kids to dinner tonight while we go to the Junos.....and then tomorrow back to the grind. Ugh. Just over two weeks till Florida and time decides to start moving backwards. Nice.

Among the living....