The Mustard Station

Disclaimer - WARNING - This post is long. The author is not responsible for an injuries suffered while nodding off and falling out of your chair while reading this post.

"Mom, hurry....we have to go to the Mustard Station NOW!"

This was the excited muffled little yelp from my daughter as she tried to speak over the gargantuan life jacket as we were preparing for our crash-course on what to do when our cruise ship goes tits up. By the way she was referring to the "Muster Station" - the place you meet so you can go tits up together.

We are home again from our Mexican cruise and I can't get the song "Back to life - back to real-ity" out of my head. Out damn song, out! The trip was pretty smooth considering I was dragging a husband, 2 children and a mother-in-law across North America. Our flight was on time and smooth, our driver showed up (which while standing at the curb at LAX I realized was WELL worth the exorbitant price tag - further proven when I actually witnessed LA traffic), and we got to our hotel in San Pedro. Slight hiccup in that our rooms weren't ready - but dammit we were going to make the best of it. We checked our bags and trundled on down to the beach. Ahhhhh, the beach. Being land-locked here gives me SUCH an appreciation for open water, sandy beaches, and sunshine. Warm sunshine. None of this 'the sun is shining but your snot freezes if you step out the front door' crap.

We spent a night at the hotel and went to the cruise terminal the next afternoon. It was pretty much an airport on the water. Line up here, line up there. Whatever....when I'm heading into a place that offers me people who clean up not only my crap, but the kids' crap - AND they put the napkin on your lap for you? Whatever...I'll take a little lining up. Anytime.

We eventually made it onto the ship...then into our stateroom....aka closet. It was tiny. Yeah, I went cheap - but holy HELL it was small. The 4 giant suitcases, 4 carry-on bags and people in every nook and cranny was a little much to take. Luckily - we didn't have to take it. There was a ship to explore! By far, the greatest discovery made, possibly the greatest discovery know to mankind....was the self-serve soft frozen yogurt machine. I think I may just have to get me one of those some day. And a little guy who mysteriously comes around and fills it at night. I love those guys...they are like Oompa Loompas...just hovering in the background waiting to make life super-awesome.

One note I would like to make to anyone thinking of taking a cruise...when those idiots tell you that "It's not like being on a ship - you can't feel the waves at all!" they are lying bastard weasels. You can feel the waves - you can barely stand sometimes. And the waves are still going. I did the drunken sailor on the way to the bathroom this morning. And I was by no means that drunk. I'm hoping by the end of the week I'll actually feel like I'm on solid ground.

Anyway, the first moment of Zen I had was at the dinner in the formal dining room on our second night. We were cruising towards Cabo San Lucas and all was well in the world. Well, in my world. Our waiter was named Lokman...he was from Turkey. And he was the cutest damn thing. Not handsome cute - but Oompa Loompa cute. I just wanted to cram him into my bag and take him home with me. It was so nice to have the napkin put on my lap for me and have a full 3 course meal served with all the bells and whistles. I asked for tea once at dessert time...and the little angels brought it out to me without being asked from there on out. When daughter decided to get adventurous (why will kids only eat things somewhere else and not at home? When I try to serve them soup it's "Ewwww, Mom your MEAN!" but apparently when Lokman serves them soup it's "Sooo good Mom! Why don't you make this?") and had duck he carved up her meat for her. A girl could get used to that shit. One night son told Lokman that he wanted "Nothing" for dessert. Lokman asked a couple times and the answer was the same...so guess what he brought out? A plate of "Nothing" for son!

We arrived in Cabo San Lucas overnight. I have to tell you - going to sleep not in Mexico and waking up in Mexico is pretty freaking awesome. We stepped out onto the deck (not, not a private one - we lived in a closet remember?) and were hit with a blessed wall of heat and humidity. Yeah, my hair suffered horribly in a poofy frizzy kind of way. But who gives a crap. When I left Canada it was snowing...I am willing to frizz for that Mexican weather. This is the part of the trip that sucked. It sucked HARD. In Cabo there is no gangway or docking...it's called tendering. It sounds nice doesn't it? Like someone gently stroking your arm, or rubbing your scalp. Nope...it's 2400 bitchy people all trying to get off the ship via 3 small boats. It was HELL. We had a Pirate Ship and snorkeling adventure planned and had to get at the dock by a certain time. Mommy was in GREAT need of Rum. Eventually we just went down and got on the boat. After we found out that as excursion ticket holders we didn't need a tendering ticket. Sigh.

Anyway - we made it to Cabo and upon stepping onto Mexican soil the heat became...hotter. Very much hotter. We went into the little market and promptly walked out. It was like a tiny little crammed maze of crap...crap that looks like gold to my children who were walking around with hands outstretched ready to grab. No, they don't outgrow that stage. Sorry. Grandma of course needed to use the bathroom...Mexican bathroom...no, better yet....Mexican public bathroom...even better. Mmm, mmm, good. Anyway, luckily while we were searching for the place that sells tokens to use potty from hell, we found a little shop. And in this little shop were nice cool drinks. Ahhhh. Outside this little shop son was thrilled to find a gen-uine boni-fied Mexican cockroach! We didn't need to spend all that money on the stupid pirate ship...he could have spent all DAY with that bug. Giant ass bug. Thank-GOD it was dead.

So, we got on the Pirate Ship. The Pirate...was a hippie-esque American who I'm pretty sure must have been dodging the draft or something. He was....different. Nice tan....nice enough person...but - different. We sailed around the harbour in a 120 year old ship - which was pretty cool in my books. They they set up for the snorkeling...not cool in my books. I don't sink...I can't dive. I float. Like a giant balloon. I also never mastered the fine art of blowing the air out of the tube and not sucking in a gallon of sea water. So I sat that one out. I wasn't 100% onboard with my kids going out there into the open waters in an unpoliced overcrowded waterway. But...hubby said it was fine. So, I sent them off with a kindly "You better come back with both my kids!" and sat on deck with Grandma (who can't swim) and some other poor 89 year old woman who had a major case of the sea sickies. The kids survived...they saw fish...all was good. When we got back to the dock we discovered the cruise ship people had finally managed to wiggle those craniums out of their sphincters and hired some of the water taxis. Sadly...we ended up on the water taxi and not the ship's boat. All was relatively fine until we got to the ship - and their idea of being ready for us to get off was to ram into the ramp over and over while we tried to guess when to jump. Uh-huh. Good times. Again, we survived.

Again, overnight we magically arrived at another port. Mazatlan. Ahhh, Mazatlan.

I am going to take a moment here to describe the ships captain. He was Norwegian I believe. His name was Captain Stein. And he had one volume level - LOUD. You know the Ikea guy who talks on the radio? That was him....I was tempted to hunt him down and kill him but I figured we might not make it to the rest of Mexico so I held myself back. Being greeted in the morning and at noon with some guy screaming ,
"Ya! This is yor Captan speekeng.....tha tempature todaa is a bammy 104 degees so get owt and enhjoy tha daay!" has a way of making your spine and ears jump off your body and seek out the closest form of death they can find. True story.

I may have thrown that "Ya!" in there for emphasis...but you get the point right?

Mazatlan. This was the infamous "Bird Watching" tour I had booked. And that hubby made some snarky-ass comments about. I personally think it was the best of the lot. We woke up in the morning (early!) and walked down a little ramp onto dry land. Docking rocks! Our tour was waiting there for us and we all got onto a little bus and they took us to another tiny port where there was a water taxi waiting for us. I sat with daughter and Hubby, Grandma and Son were a couple rows behind us. They started with a tour of the harbour, the fishing fleet, and the birds. It was pretty interesting but also incredibly sad - the amount of crap that is polluting the beaches and water there is just horrible. I understand it's a 3rd world country - but for Pete's sake does that mean you have to just not care about your environment? Grrr...OK, putting the pocket environmentalist away for now. Eventually they took us through the Mangroves which were pretty darn amazing. Such a cool, lush habitat. The birds were pretty...but what blew my mind were the spiders! Everyone once in awhile we'd pass a web and there in the middle was a GIANT spider. Reason number 27 that I will never live in Mexico. At some point I ended up with both kids beside me. I am not positive how this happened but I think it was while I was distracted and doubled over in pain from my menstrual cramps. Yeah, I am brazziliant....booking holidays for the exact time of the month I am the most uncomfortable. We docked at a farmhouse, and got onto a....well a cart pulled by a tractor. Not overly glamorous...but it worked. We saw an Iguana up in a tree...which I assume is the equivalent to a ground hog here? Not something they really pay attention to. But...we thought it was neat. We set off and drove through the fields...of coconut trees, watermelon patches, and other plants I have NO idea about. This little dirt road we were using was apparently a highway...because were repeatedly had to trundle off to the side of the road to let a giant truck pass us. That'll get your bowels moving in the morning! We stopped for a moment and our guide showed us how to crack open a coconut and gave us some to eat. Mmmmmm. Good stuff. And finally - the beach! It was miles and miles of white sandy beach! We ate at a little restaurant there. It was pretty good - and the kids even managed to gulp down some of the strange looking non-spaghetti-and-butter food. Only issue was the beach vendors...but we took care of those by letting Grandma sit on the beach and act as a magnet while we played in the waves (or rather, screamed at the kids to get away from the waves). Devoted family, that's what we are. There sadly wasn't too much time for play and we had to start our trek back to the ship. They threw some fish for the Pelicans and sea birds on the way back - those things will just dive head first into the water.

By the "Powers of Greyskull" we arrived overnight in Puerto Vallarta. Or by the powers of the ships engines...and the Captain Ikea-Stein. Hubby and I spent our 7th Wedding Anniversary at an all inclusive in Vallarta a few years ago so we knew the city fairly well. The tour company that we were using for our Dolphin encounter was the same one we had used for our other trip so we were very excited as we were happy with them. Again - docking rocks. We mosied on off the ship and met our tour group. The kids were SO excited - this is the nicest port by far and they had a nice big cage (didn't have to bring out my PETA card) with some parrots inside. The parrots were not nice...but at least the cage was. I tried to get a picture with one and I believe it uttered the Parrot equivalent of "F*** off!" and added a little peck with it's beak. There was a lady there who worked with the parrot conservation blah blah blah - whatever - she had a bird and for a donation (probably to her kids college fund) you could get your photo taken with the thing. Son flat our refused...daughter is up for almost anything and held it. Then...in a moment of absolute hilarity....she put the bird on hubby. Boy, was that the highlight of his trip. The joy radiating from his face....well, I like to interpret his rage/pain/embarrassment as joy. My joy.

Our tour girl eventually rounded us all up and took us to a little dock around the corner. Small side note: On the way to the little dock we passed through a square where there was a cart with something hairy on it. A little like Cousin "It" from the Adams Family. We took a second, then a third look - hearts racing thinking maybe Yeti was down there for a vacation as well...turns out it was a huge Seal! Or small Sea Lion - I didn't really get a chance to see. Anyway - it was an odd thing to run into. The boat we got onto was an inflatable of the sturdy variety. We all got our lovely orange life jackets on and took off for the Dolphin Encounter centre. This boat ride was pretty fun....once we hit open water the guy took off and we were hitting waves and bouncing. Son's face was beaming in a huge grin - he loves rides! The trip wasn't too long and we got to the centre in plenty of time. The long waiver they made us sign made me a wee bit nervous (can Dolphins get rabies?) but the kids found another absolutely thrilling animal - they spent almost the entire time with it. A Mexican cat! The rarest of all God's creatures! You know, up here in Canada we have nothing resembling this - nothing at all - other than OUR cat. Good grief...."Ola Gato, Ola!" for 20 minutes. Can anyone say Prozac? Can anyone donate Prozac? It was our turn pretty fast and we got into the pool with the Dolphins. Our's was named Linco....and Linco was amazing. He was such a cutie - they are really amazing creatures. So intelligent. It was a cool experience. All but the moment when we were rubbing his tummy and he took a dump. But whatever...he was adorable. They were feeding his fish for being so sweet with us and it smelled pretty funky. We'll get back to that in a moment. Once our session was done we stopped at the snack counter and ordered our lunches...then went down to look at the photos. There were SO many good ones (you can't take in your own camera - big surprise - they do it for you) and I was adding them to the cart (Kodak machine) like a mad woman. Until I glanced down - head guided by some profanity from hubby's mouth - and noticed the total was $2800. Now, it was Pesos but still, $280 dollars for 20 photos? Yeah, uh...no. So I managed to get the total down to about $100 and I HAD to have those photos. It's like all the photos they take on the ship of you - I just can't throw any of the kids' away - sucker written in big black letters across my forehead. So, we ate lunch and while we were eating a gang of Iguanas came lumbering out of the bush. Hubby said there were 8 out there at one point. Son, again, thought this was the absolute coolest thing EVER. Mexican cat who up to that point was not of the friendly variety, decided that it was a good time to make friends so they kids had giant lizards on one side of them and a Mexican Gato on the other. I am pretty sure this was their own personal moment of Zen.

We got back to the ship shortly after that and noticed a slight - funk to the air. A certain...smell of fish ass. The Dolphin water reeked. We all showered but as it was only a short time till dinner I couldn't wash my hair. My hair takes an hour to dry with a blow-dryer. Days if just left. So...the bottom of my pony tail smelled like fish ass for dinner. Ugh. When we got back to the room we were OH SO please to discover the fish ass smell had permeated the entire room. Mmmm. Yummy. Thank-goodness for plastic bags.

In between the Dolphins and dinner we had started to walk through Vallarta looking for something interesting. All we found was heat - hot hot heat. We had some soft drinks but it was just too damn hot to walk around for hours - we went back and enjoyed the almost empty boat. It was a little sad - knowing that we were done with our Ports of Call and had 2 days at sea ahead of us. But, it was also nice to be able to not have to worry about rushing off the ship and not missing our tours. We spent the next couple days enjoying the smooth (if you call giant waves smooth) ride back, playing in the Casino, playing Bingo, watching the shows, and doing homework with the kids. I of course was blessed with this task. It's just SO MUCH damn fun trying to convince 2 kids who hate homework that it's not really all that bad. Sigh. It got done but it wasn't pretty. At all.

On Sunday we woke up in LA. We were all assigned colours and you were allowed to leave when your colour was called. We were brown...which was about the 6th colour on the list. Which meant we had the joy and privelege of listening to Captain Ikea-Stein get on his little microphone and scream ever 15-20 minutes until we were allowed to go. We made a final binge eating trip in the buffet and then waited our turn. The customs line was a bit painful but eventually all was well and we snuck through...I mean.....got through to the outside. Our shuttle to the hotel took about 15 minutes and we had an early check-in so we were able to all just sit and relax for a bit. Then, we headed back to Cabrillo beach for some swimming. The kids went in - icy cold isn't my style but I did manage to put a toe in the water. The skies were grey and gloomy - and there were some very stormy looking clouds on the horizon so we trudged back to the hotel and took the kids to the pool. Where they had a great time! They wore themselves stupid which was good for Grandma who had volunteered (cough cough) to watch the kids for night. Hubby and I enjoyed the hot tub...alot. Ahhhh, so nice. I forgot to mention above that one of the days on the ship I had a hot stone massage for the first time. Needless to say it won't be the last! It was finger-licking good. I can't wait till the next one!

We had a pretty restful night and were up at a reasonable time to make sure we were outside for our car when it arrived. Again - very very thankful to not have to drive in LA traffic. I have to say - LAX is officially the worst airport I've been in. It's old, smelly, atiquated, and very....liney. Lines for everything! But - I consider 90 minutes from door to gate pretty good time given the location so I won't bitch too much. The flight was good. Unfortuantely the satellite TVs weren't getting all the channels so I had the option of Treehouse, or Sports. I turned it off and listened to music and napped. We arrived back home safely and ahead of schedule....and by a "stab myself in the eye ironicly funny" chance...Calgary was warmer than LA. Weird.